A cup of the little voice inside me

I don't really understand the saying "wearing your heart on your sleeve"

Maybe it's because I've never did wear it on my sleeve...

I'm quite scared to do so.

It's a bad bad world out there. I have troubles even trying to trust people on a daily basis.

You're asking me to show my weak side. No one sees that except a few.

Even then, I try to hide my hurts. At this point no one or nothing can try to see my heart.

It's not there. seriously. the other day I tried to feel something yet nothing. I tried to smile yet I just cried.

I want to do so to meet my special other but I think i'm at a point where I'm not fixable.

Yet there's that little voice inside me that keeps telling me I can...

A whole new level of pain.

So this past weekend I was honored to be reminded of my insecurities. 

Guys, just a word of advice right here but regardless of your conscious state of mind I advise you not to tell girls that they are a fucking fat pig and lion. 

I don't know how to deal with this other than not dealing with it. But I've learned from past mistakes that, that very thing of ignoring will possibly kill me.

So here it is.

That moment when you full forcefully pushed a pillow in my face after insulting me, re-plays in my head about 1000 times an hour. How I could have done more or said more than just saying "ARE YOU FUCKING ME?".  And right after looking at my friends for support and yet they all look away. Maybe I expect too much out of my friends. Maybe I expect too much out of guys. It all comes down to it being on me. This is all my fault. 
Maybe I shouldn't have even tried to figure this shit out. No. Let's work this out.
After 10 mins past I confront my friend whom was a guy and technically a host in this event. He tells me "Its not a big deal.. They're just drunk". Right. My self worth is not a big deal. Cool! We were friends since grade 4. Friends throughout high school. Friends throughout college. Now you're here to tell me that this fraternity that you've joined 2 months ago is gonna replace the 10+ years of friendship we had? fan-fucking-tastic. 

Then you ask me to do a favor.. So I accept. It was to go to one of you're fraternity brothers and give him a beer (tbs: Smirnoff ice) and tell them they've been "Iced". I ask you why you asked me to do this when there's 4 other girls in our group. You're response "Because it will be funny if you do it". So I don't think much of it but as the night progressed I did think more of it. In my head I thought, "what is different between me and the other 4 girls?". They were all Asian, so was I. They all had shorts on, So did I. In my head I kept denying it because, YOU WERE MY FUCKING FRIEND. But when you talked with your brothers referring me as "the center biggie's gonna do it". Those words were like... I'm not even sure there's a word in the dictionary to describe the level of pain it brought me. 

Because of you and the other guy, guess who will have to deal with me being all fucked up? My soul mate. and you know what? I probably will never feel decent about myself thanks to you and your thoughtless words. I really do hope you change because I can't even image how other girls will feel like just because they're bigger. 

A cup of the smaller things in life

Life is really great right now :)

This first half of the year has been quite drastic and this change is quite drastic too!
I'm so happy. I'm genuinely happy. I'm working at a dream job as a preschool teacher!
I feel so unstoppable. I feel so tall. I feel so proud. I feel like I'm worth a bajillion!
The children are so inspiring! The small things they take into account is such a blessing! I love my life!
To see them grow mentally and physically and seeing this progression is so worth it!
Some day I will be able to have children of my own! I've definitely noticed that not till I'm ready I don't want children. It impacts the child in such a big way. The children look up to you as a role model figure!
How crazy is that? How humbling is that?
I love this feeling of waking up and not knowing what to expect! The spontaneous aspect of being around children :) such a joy, such a blessing.
I'm happy, friends.

A cup of nostalgic regret.

When I see a sappy love movie there's always that scene where the main character get their heart broken by their admired lover. Regardless of the repetition of the same old story line and the bound to be foreseen scene my heart just goes numb. I cannot breathe for those seconds of when the characters heart is being torn piece by piece. you can see on their faces of how much their hurting. Even the worst actor on earth can make my heart stop just for those few seconds because everyone has felt betrayal, hurt, agony, and pain in their lives. It feels like your heart just jumped up to your throat and just paralyzed all aspects of breathing and heart beating.  It's probably the most agonizing seconds in ones life to be reminded of the emotional pain that we've been trying so hard to forget. It only takes that one scene that can take us back to the memory lane none of us wanted to feel nor see again. Ever again.

a cup of fog.

"Every time the loneliness rears up in you like a seething, burning continent, you tie on your shoes and hit the paths" - Junot Diaz

Star.

One day I want to be seen as someone's special one and only star. 

I want to be seen as a person that shines in every way possible. 

I want to feel unique to that special someone and show my imperfections and we'll both be okay with it.

He will accept me and he will be my one and only star.

Someone I look up to, to always be there for me through the heavy fog and rain.

Till that day comes I'll continue to shine so some how and some way he'll find me.

A cup of "closed heart"

Hearts just paralyzed as we kissed eyes.
Slap! You were like an inevitable booby trap.
Back to reality and gravity hits like a ton of bricks.
Trying to quick fix and feelings are mixed.
As the butterflies takes you back to the past.
How you believed that love was your first and last.
Pain strikes and those memories takes a hike.
Walls go up and every emotion is considered fucked up.
You start to seal because you don't want to feel.
You are back to the start as an artificial heart.