A whole new level of pain.

So this past weekend I was honored to be reminded of my insecurities. 

Guys, just a word of advice right here but regardless of your conscious state of mind I advise you not to tell girls that they are a fucking fat pig and lion. 

I don't know how to deal with this other than not dealing with it. But I've learned from past mistakes that, that very thing of ignoring will possibly kill me.

So here it is.

That moment when you full forcefully pushed a pillow in my face after insulting me, re-plays in my head about 1000 times an hour. How I could have done more or said more than just saying "ARE YOU FUCKING ME?".  And right after looking at my friends for support and yet they all look away. Maybe I expect too much out of my friends. Maybe I expect too much out of guys. It all comes down to it being on me. This is all my fault. 
Maybe I shouldn't have even tried to figure this shit out. No. Let's work this out.
After 10 mins past I confront my friend whom was a guy and technically a host in this event. He tells me "Its not a big deal.. They're just drunk". Right. My self worth is not a big deal. Cool! We were friends since grade 4. Friends throughout high school. Friends throughout college. Now you're here to tell me that this fraternity that you've joined 2 months ago is gonna replace the 10+ years of friendship we had? fan-fucking-tastic. 

Then you ask me to do a favor.. So I accept. It was to go to one of you're fraternity brothers and give him a beer (tbs: Smirnoff ice) and tell them they've been "Iced". I ask you why you asked me to do this when there's 4 other girls in our group. You're response "Because it will be funny if you do it". So I don't think much of it but as the night progressed I did think more of it. In my head I thought, "what is different between me and the other 4 girls?". They were all Asian, so was I. They all had shorts on, So did I. In my head I kept denying it because, YOU WERE MY FUCKING FRIEND. But when you talked with your brothers referring me as "the center biggie's gonna do it". Those words were like... I'm not even sure there's a word in the dictionary to describe the level of pain it brought me. 

Because of you and the other guy, guess who will have to deal with me being all fucked up? My soul mate. and you know what? I probably will never feel decent about myself thanks to you and your thoughtless words. I really do hope you change because I can't even image how other girls will feel like just because they're bigger. 

A Cup of a Confuzzled Infused Single Tea

Why is it that life hits you with the most unexciting things when you want exciting things to happen and vise-versa?

What I want to establish right now is, why the hell am I single for this long? 

Its been about 4 years since I've actually had an actual boyfriend and, I'm ready! Seriously. No backing out. Do i sound crazy? don't get me wrong, I'm not love crazy... Hopefully. I miss falling in love. Being in that stage where you get butterflies in your stomach even when you hear the other's name. Having insomnia for the right reasons due to the excitement in love, not insomnia of wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Am i ugly? Am I too straight up? Is it because I sometimes have strong opinions about certain things?Am I always gonna be one of the dudes that will be never be considered a "lady"? I don't know. I'm just tired of being single now. I want to move on. I tell my guy friends to just move on as an advice, but i don't take it myself. I feel like a hypocrite but life isn't really giving me an opportunity. Or am I avoiding the opportunity? I think I would've noticed over the 4 years of being single. The more I think about why I'm single the more I start jumping to conclusion and start beating myself mentally by lowering my self esteem and that's the stupidest thing, to lower myself, but it's true... What am I doing wrong? What do the other girls have that I don't have? Are my standards too high? At this very moment I don't even think i have standards..No, I'm lying, but all I ask for in a guy is for him to spoil me with his love. That's all. is that too high of a standard?What am i doing wrong Internet? What am i doing wrong?

Maybe it's just the insomnia talking.